


Familiar Taste of Poison

by Green98



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Identity Reveal, Idiots in Love, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 11:42:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16094957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green98/pseuds/Green98
Summary: After Kara's identity reveal goes a bit pear shaped Kara and Lena both wallow in their anger and self pity without each other.A few weeks, a song and a bottle or two of wine later Lena decides to go and yell at Kara again even if she's not totally sure why only to find the blonde possibly feeling just as broken.





	Familiar Taste of Poison

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing major, but just a little warning theres bit of self destruction/depressive state of mind and self-punishment. Only a small part though.
> 
> Wrote this whilst listening to Halestorms Familiar Taste of Poison in case the title didnt give that away haha.
> 
> I'm not totally sure the song matches the fic but I hope it isn't a complete train wreck like I think it is :/

After Lena finds out Kara is supergirl she hides out in her penthouse to deal with her heartbreak. It has been a few weeks since she turned the blonde heroine away and she still feels like crap.

After her busy and gruelling day that only got worse as the news flashed with more news on a certain caped crusader or lack of she decided to drown herself in a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine. Two depending on how she feels after the first.  
  
Whilst in the midst of drinking away her pain Lena finds one of Kara's old sweaters and cant help but put it on, albeit reluctantly knowing it will only increase her pain as memories of their fall out take up residency in her thoughts for the millionth time since their fall out.   
  
In the background the familiar taste of poison plays.  
  
_I breathe you in, again_  
_Just to feel you_  
  
Throughout everything Lena's desire for Kara stays. The scent on the sweater she's wearing reminding her of just how much she had cared for the blonde. How much she misses her and the warmth that Lena is so used to warming her own body when they hugged or spent time curled up on her sofa watching Disney films.  
  
_The sweet escape,_  
_Is always laced with a,_  
_Familiar taste,_  
_Of poison_  
  
The betrayal of her family, of Lex and Lillian, even Lena's beloved father; all of the lies they told, all of the crimes they committed, in the end, the worst betrayal was from Kara.  
  
Lena thinks about all of the lies Kara told to rush away from their plans when an emergency popped up, the questions about her mother and Cadmus that she asked as though Lena may have been involved, the lies Kara told to keep her secret hidden, the trust Lena had thought was real, only to find that the blonde beauty never really did trust her. Or at least not fully, and especially the betrayal she felt when the accusations about the Kyrptonite Lex had left behind and what she might have been planning to use it for were thrown in her face.  
  
The betrayal is familiar, it's like a poison on her tongue, bitter in taste and slowly seeping into her blood stream making her blood cold and feeling thick as it forces it's way around her body until she feels numb and weak.  
  
_I don't wanna be saved,_

 _I don't wanna be sober,_  
  
Sober is something Lena certainly isn't. It is probably due to that she realises the irony of the song, it is similar to the way she now feels about Kara. Her memories of her friend are now somewhat like a poison. Just like the blood red wine she is pouring down her throat, slowly killing her as she tries to forget.  
  
_I tell myself,_  
_That you're no good for me_  
_I wish you well,_  
_But desire never leaves_  
  
Lena wants to forget but then the desire for Kara wins out. Kara's bright, beaming smile flashes before her eyes and then more images like the way Kara always, _always_ made her feel like she's worth something, the proud look she gives Lena after another successful launch of one of her inventions, the way Kara's eyes subtly linger on her body when she is wearing a particularly form fitting outfit and the blush that follows when Kara realises she had been staring.  
  
It is all of these happy memories that have Lena drunkenly stumbling her way through the dark, lamp lit streets to Kara's apartment to give the blonde another piece of her mind. To tell her just how much pain she has caused and that nothing has ever caused her so much pain as it did when the blue eyed goddess left her standing in her apartment feeling worthless and broken. Even if it was Lena that told her to leave.

* * *

  
Kara is not faring much better than Lena is. She is a mess. After leaving Lena's apartment Kara goes out looking for a painful and hopefully difficult fight just to try and feel _something_. Of course one fight led to two and so on.  
  
However the hero still feels numb. Since Lena told her she wants nothing more to do with her Kara has felt empty. The sunshine that usually resides within her body has faded to almost nothing.  
  
Kara has barely even eaten, she has solar flared more than once the past few weeks and has been banned from her supergirl duties until she sorts herself out.

It has been three days since Kara last fought or even left her apartment and it was the painful fights getting Kara through the days, the pain the criminals inflicted on her battered and bruised body was the only thing that let Kara know she could still feel things even if they were unnecessarily violent and physically hurting her.

Now that Kara cannot fight she finds she has nothing to keep her "feeling" anymore and has resorted to drinking, without her powers at least she can drink herself into oblivion.

Lena was what kept Kara's flame alight and when she left, Kara unwillingly left her flame with the green eyed brunette and she feels powerless to get it back.

Kara is feeling something now though, as she sits slumped down on her floor, back pressed again the kitchen island. What Kara is feeling is the pain of her nightmares as she is rendered paralyzed, watching her planet explode over and over, it is that same emotional and almost blinding pain that brings the blonde reporter to the conclusion that she has lost her world, again.

* * *

  
Lena is shocked at the state she finds Kara in. Much to the CEOs now mostly sobered surprise after her long walk here. She finds Kara sitting on the floor of her broken apartment leaning against the wall of the kitchen island. Lena didn't even need to knock as the door was already carelessly left unchained and slightly open.

As Lena slowly pushes the door open further Kara didn't even glance in the other womans direction, just refilled her glass with what looks like pure whiskey, no coke, no ice, nothing. Lena notices another two empty bottles next to her as well.  
  
Lena briefly wonders how the girl has even stayed conscious. As Lena looks around the medium sized living space, her anger dissipates considerably at seeing the state the usually bubbly and happy blonde is in and although it's a struggle, Lena feels sorry and more than a little concerned for the woman.   
  
She closes the front door and locks it with a sigh. The CEO walks over to Kara's kitchen and fills up a pint glass with water. She then makes her way back to Kara, removing the whiskey from her hand, and replacing it with the water.  
  
"Drink it," Lena orders in the strongest commanding tone she can manage.  
  
The blonde still doesn't look at her but does obey and promptly downs the water, emptying the glass with a distasteful cough.  
  
"Now, up. You desperately need a bath."  
  
The blonde doesn't seem to register the command as she continues to stare into nothingness.  
  
"Kara Zor-El get your arse up or so help me!" Lena says raising her voice, some of her anger seeping back into her tone. 

Lena wonders why she is even bothering. Kara isn't her responsibility, yet here she is ordering the reporter to drink water and take a bath instead of calling one of Kara's friends or the blondes sister to come and sort her out. Lena decides to blame her feelings. If Lena wasn't still in love with Kara the she would have easily been able to turn her back and let somebody else clean up Kara and her mess.  
  
Kara frowns but slowly tries to stand but she wobbles and Lena has to catch her. With Lena practically carrying Kara to the bathroom, undressing and physically putting her into the bath, leaving her bra and panties on to let the hero keep at least a smidge of her dignity. Lena eyes the mess of a superhero carefully.  
  
"Are you going to be okay if I leave you for a bit? Like, you're not going to drown?"  
  
"Sadly I t-think I'll be fiinee," Kara mumbles.  
  
"I'll leave the door open anyway, I'll check on you every so often. Please clean yourself up, you are a filthy."  
  
Lena then walks out of the bathroom and looks for Kara's phone. She finds it on the floor by Kara's bed, the screen cracked and the battery almost dead.  
  
She quickly unlocks it, completely sober by now and dials Alex's number.  
  
"Kara? Are you okay?"  
  
"Agent Danvers it's Lena. Are you aware of the current state your sister is in?"  
  
"Lena? Wha- wait... state?"  
  
"Yes state. I came over to give her a piece of my mind only to find she seems to be beating herself up well enough already."  
  
"Piece of your mi- why?" Alex asks, her voice hardening defensively on behalf of her sister.

"That is none of your business Agent Danvers. I called because of your sister,"

"Right. What do you mean by  _state_?"  
  
"She is a complete mess. Her front door was recklessly left open, her apartment is, let's just... let's say it's broken. Your sister was sitting on the floor halfway through a bottle of whiskey and two already empty bottles next to her, I don't even think she even really realised that it was me who found her. Honestly, she looks like she hasnt bathed in at least a week!"  
  
"Shit. I thought she was doing okay, she told me that she was feeling better"  
  
"Feeling better?"  
  
The agent sighs on the other end of the line before answering. Kara had told Alex that she was feeling better after her self-destructive behaviour the past few weeks, hell, she even laughed on the phone. Alex should have visited, should have paid more attention, should have known the blonde was lying.

"Yeah, well we had to ban her from being Supergirl because she went out purposely looking for fights and she ended up solar flaring on more than one occasion... She's been in her apartment for a few days recovering or that's what I thought. I was going to check on her tomorrow. Can you stay with her until I get there?"  
  
"Don't worry about it, I've got it. I'll update you later, I just thought you should know she's a mess and might need her sister tomorrow,"  
  
"Right okay, if you're sure. I'll be there early then. Thank you Lena."  
  
Lena didn't answer she hung up and then went to check on Kara. She was sluggishly washing her hair so Lena went to tidy the place up a bit. As she looked around the place she sighed sadly as she takes in the broken picture frames carelessly pushed to the floor from the now broken shelf, the wrappers and takeout boxes left in a heap on the floor and coffee table and the clothes that have been left here there and everywhere. The brunette has never seen the place so untidy and uncared for.  
  
_What's going on with you Kara?_  Lena thinks to herself as she reaches for a large bin bag from the cupboard.  
  
By the time Kara emerges from the bathroom, dressed in shorts and a tank top and looking much better than before, Lena had the place looking almost spotless.  
  
Lena has picked up everything that had been knocked over, she has swept up anything that was broken and binned it and has also tipped away and binned any remaining alcohol that she found in Kara's apartment. Kara certainly didn't need anymore of it.  
  
Kara looked around her apartment in confusion before her eyes landed on Lena who was sipping her own glass of water at the now tidy breakfast bar, another glass waiting across from her with two asprin tablets next to it.  
  
Tears built up in Kara's eyes at the sight of the other woman and she blinked furiously to keep them at bay. She felt ashamed and broken and very confused. She hasn't felt this terrible since she first landed on earth and almost shattered Alex's arm.  
  
Lena swallowed down the sudden mix of emotions building in her chest and wordlessly pointed to the waiting glass of water and pills to which Kara silently walked over to it and took a greatful sip. Neither of the women spoke for a while, both not knowing what to say to the other. Lena currently didn't feel angry at Kara but she does pity the woman and the wreck she has become.  
  
Eventually Kara spoke and broke the silence.  
  
"Why are you here Lena?" She croaks out with a sigh.  
  
"I wanted to yell at you some more. However I don't believe that that's necessary, considering you're already a wreck."  
  
"By all means, have at it anyway." Kara replies, sounding like she actually wants Lena to yell at her.  
  
It's Kara's negative attitude that has Lena narrowing her eyes and asking "What's with you?"  
  
Kara doesn't look at Lena just slumps down onto a bar stool rolling one of her pills between her fingers.  
  
"Do you really care?" She asks looking Lena straight in the eyes.  
  
"Of course I _care_ Kara. That's why I- Alex says you're banned from being supergirl. Why?" Lena asks, deciding she would rather find out what's going on with the blonde rather than voice her feelings without her liquid courage.  
  
"I was being reckless. Went out looking for fights and kept solar flaring."  
  
"That's ridiculous, why would you do that?" Lena asks incredulously.  
  
Kara laughs, the sound empty. She looks up at Lena and shrugs, "Why not?" She replies, her usually bright blue orbs now dark and emotionless, it is that empty look that shows Lena just how lost Kara is feeling.   
  
Lena gives her a disapproving look, " _Why not_!? Kara, you're supposed to b-"  
  
"Supposed to be reliable, strong, _trustworthy_? A sybol of hope and protection? I used to be those things. Now I just feel numb. I wanted to _feel_ something and if pain was the only way to do that, then I was willing to try it." Kara snaps as she cuts Lena off.

"I don't understand, you could have anything you could ever want. You have a family that cares about you, friends that would literally do anything you asked of them and a world that mostly idolizes you. What happened that was so bad that you have entered such a depressive state?" Lena asks genuinely confused. If Lena had Kara's life, friends, a family, a respectable job with a steady income and a nice cosy apartment she'd be over the moon.

Lena wouldn't want for anything, she would be perfectly content yet clearly the blonde isn't happy with what she has, Lena doesn't see why she is so unhappy all of a sudden.

"Sure. Everything I could ever want. Except the only thing, the single thing I want I cannot have. I should be happy, I was happy, perfectly content, until I wasn't. Until I lost the one thing that meant more to me than anything or anyone else in this or any other world." Kara says, pausing as she swallows thickly, her eyes staring back at the pill in her hand that she still hasn't taken.

As for Lena, all she can do is watch and listen, unable to think of anything to say, she still doesn't understand. She doesn't know what the blonde lost that could have meant so much to her...

"I lied to you for the better part of a year, mostly because I wasn't allowed to tell you, but also because I was scared, also because I could just be me, I could just be _Kara_ with you and I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. You already had so many targets on your back and I didn't want to add to that. I felt shitty for not telling you, I hate myself for listening to the DEO instead of my instincts, for lying to you.  
  
Then you found out anyway, of course you did. You're _you_. I watched as the hurt spread across your features, I saw the hate and betrayal in your eyes and when you told me you wanted nothing more to do with me, that I was "worse than a Luthor" that I was "dead to you"- believe it or not I snapped. I took everything you threw at me. Hell, I deserved every word after the things I said, the ridiculous things I accused you of even though I knew you were innocent. When you told me to leave and never come back it was like I had just lost Krypton all over again.  
  
Nobody understands. I don't expect them to but after I left, I just stopped feeling. Nothing that I did made a difference. I barely even registered the final blow of that other alien but I did feel it and the brief pain was welcome. I just wanted to feel something, anything.  
  
So yeah. That's why I did it. I have nothing left to lose so I figured why the hell not."  
  
To say Lena was speechless was an understatement. She was also still confused and angry, no- she is furious.

 _How dare she pin this on me! The nerve. I am not to blame for her guilt! It is not my fault she is feeling this way!_ Lena fumes to herself.  
  
"You are _not_ blaming this on me. You have done this to yourself! And nothing left? You have everything, you have your friends, you have Alex, Eliza, J'onn, Clark-"  
  
"I'm not blaming you. I take full responsibility and they do not count. I'm talking about the real me. Kara. _I_ have nothing.  
  
My friends, sure they like Kara but they are only really there because of Supergirl. J'onn is my boss. Clark abandoned me as soon as I crash landed, Eliza and Alex? All I have ever been to them is a burden.

Eliza lost her husband because of me and I probably almost bankrupted the poor woman, and Alex- Alex has spent her whole life trying to protect me and putting me first. She deserves her own life.  
  
What I had, was CatCo which fired me and I had you. You were everything to me. I could never tell you because I didn't want to ruin our friendship but its not like that matters anymore. I loved you, I wanted to keep you safe, I wanted to give you everything but like everything else that I have ever loved, like poison, I destroyed it.  
  
Everything is my fault and I am well aware of that." Kara says brokenly. Her voice cracking part way through.  
  
"Anyway we are digressing, you came here to yell and I'm talking about shit that doesn't even matter anymore. If you have anything to say please go ahead and then it's probably best if you leave. I know this is the last place you want to be..." Kara says and she looks at Lena expectantly.  
  
Lena is not sure what to feel or say after that. She is still angry that Kara lied to her but after that tangent she realises that last time she never let Kara explain why she hadn't told her, or why Kara lied.

Lena also realises that she said things to Kara that she didn't mean as she angrily, verbally assaulted the hero and feels kind of guilty about how she reacted. Lena forgot how harsh she had been and that Kara wasn't the only one that said things that she didn't mean.  
  
Kara is nothing like a Luthor and definitely isn't worse. Lena was- is angry at her still but the blonde will never be dead to her... it is with that in mind Lena thinks she should apologise because that statement was perhaps a little too harsh and she was about to when she remembers another part of Kara's impromptu explanation... Kara said that she loved her! But surely not, right? Lena must have misheard that... Kara had always emphasises that they were just 'friends'.

If Kara loved Lena she wouldn't have lied to her, would she? If she loved Lena surely she would have had to trust her more than she did, right?

Lena shakes her head to clear her thoughts, she's tired, she's still a little confused, she is uncertain of how Kara truly feels and if Lena's honest, she cannot be bothered to fight or argue with the blonde. It has become clear enough to Lena that she may have overreacted even if she had every right to, Lena has also realised that maybe she should have let Kara explain her actions before kicking her out.

Lena has realised a lot, but the most prominent realisation is that she still cares for Kara and she does not want to live her life without her. Hero or no hero, Kara was her only friend, her bestfriend and to be honest, as she has been sitting here at Kara's breakfast island, she knows that she has to at least offer the blonde a second chance, because isn't that what friends do? 

Kara told Lena that she lied because she was scared and wanted to protect her, even though Lena hates that Kara still lied even if it was to protect her from even more attempts on her life, it's the thought that Kara had wanted to protect her that Lena can sort of see why she had lied and why she deserves a second chance, this time with no lies and no secrets between them.  
  
"I was and still am furious at you for lying to me Kara but a small part of me kind of understands. I am also not completely innocent, I said some things that weren't true, you aren't anything like the Luthors and you could never be dead to me, that was a low blow, even for me and I'm sorry. There's also the fact that I didn't tell you about the Kryptonite, and I suppose I should have, but you need to understand that I would _never_  have used it to hurt you, I had planned to use it for the opposite actually- but that doesn't matter right now...  
  
Listen, things aren't going to be right between us for probably a long time. There's definitely work that will need to be done to fix this. However, the past few weeks have been excruciatingly painful and lonely and cold without you and I'm not sure either of us have the strength to carry on like this. I know I certainly do not.  
  
Whilst I am still angry, I do think that I have forgiven you for the most part and as much as I hate to admit it, now that you have explained why you did what you did, I can partly understand your reasons as I said a moment ago. I no longer have the energy to shout at you, the anger I hold is dissipating far quicker than I'd like to admit and it's killing me to keep the flame burning. I just can't do it anymore.  
  
I still need _you_ Kara. I loved you too, frustratingly I still do. You are the only person I have as well you know. I think that's why this hurts so much but-" Lena sighs "-This-" she gestures around at Kara's apartment, "-is where I want to be. Here. With you. I just, I need you to promise me there won't be anymore lies and secrets between us, I'm willing to give you- us - a second chance but just no more secrets and lies..."  
  
Kara is staring at Lena, tears streaming down her face, sadness, regret, guilt and hope floating in the sea of blue that are Kara's eyes. Kara's words get stuck in her throat, but not wanting to ruin anything else, she forces them away.  
  
Lena gets up and moves so that she is in front of Kara, her chest feeling heavy at the prospect of rejection. Lena isn't really sure what she's doing, all she knows is that she also has tears streaming down her cheeks and that she desperately wants the comfort of just being with Kara right now. To feel the other womans warmth again.  
  
Lena wants to lose herself in the sad woman in front of her. The woman that she is angry at but still irrevocably in love with. Before she can really stop herself she tilts Kara's chin up with her thumb and forefinger forcing the blonde to make eye contact with her again.  
  
"We can figure this all out tomorrow when we are both rested and feeling more like ourselves. Gods know it will be testing but for now I think I just want to be with you, is that okay?"  
  
Kara studies Lena's green-ish blue eyes for any form of a trap but only finds sincerity and tiredness. Of course she wants this. Lena is all she has ever wanted and so she nods.  
  
"May I kiss you?" Lena whispers nervously.  
  
Kara swallows thickly but nods again as a slither of warmth slips back into her chest. In an instant their lips are moving together in a soft, yet needy, passionate kiss. Both women pouring all of their unspoken feelings into it and all of their anger, their sadness, their hope and their love.  
  
As they pull apart, foreheads resting against each other as they catch their breaths Lena thinks to herself that maybe, just maybe she could get used to this special brand of poison, maybe it was just the first taste that was bitter.  
  
Lena leans in to kiss Kara once more, hands gently resting on either side of the blondes face and a familiar warmth slowly seeping into her body as Kara wraps her arms firmly around Lena's waist and Lena thinks;  
  
_Mmm, definitely sweeter the second time around. This is a poison I wouldn't mind becoming familiar with._

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought, I really wasn't sure about this one...
> 
> I was thinking maybe I could do a small series of oneshots on this, if you'd be interested in that and maybe have some ideas then let me know on my Tumblr: mus1candbooksarelife   
> Its easier to communicate on there!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
